Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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