If that was your dad, he is hot
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
