Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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