There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She bit a glass in half.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
did i just pee glitter
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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