I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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