my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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