how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
