Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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