I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
