bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
