Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
