I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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