Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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