My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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