i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well I just put wine in my tea
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize