: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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