Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
