well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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