is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
