I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
