I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
