Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
