ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
