Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
