covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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