it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
