My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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