I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
