my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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