Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
