Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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