not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
