my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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