My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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