So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
