Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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