Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
