I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize