i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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