2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
