Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
