Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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