I wish life had little blips of pornography
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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