I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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