Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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