Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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