My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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