I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
