Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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