careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
