hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
