I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
