you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize