I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Randomize