I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
