Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
