Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I will die if light touches me.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
