sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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