did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
