Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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