I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she woke up with a sticky ear
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
