I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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