You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
