I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
