The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
