oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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