I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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