just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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