i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Randomize
